


Passing Back

by aingeal8c



Category: due South
Genre: Drama, Episode Related, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-08-10
Updated: 2005-08-10
Packaged: 2018-11-10 05:56:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11121258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aingeal8c/pseuds/aingeal8c
Summary: An AU version of the events surrounding the episode 'Letting Go'.





	Passing Back

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

Passing Back

## Passing Back

  
by Aingeal  


Disclaimer:   
I don't own the boys, their fathers or Due South. But I am partially responsible for their angst. 

Author's Notes: Thanks to Elanor for her tirless betaing. 

Story Notes: Basically the episodes Victoria's Secret and Letting Go are very emotionally charged. That emotion led me to this story. It is a death story but hopefully it is not too bleak.

* * *

Ray Vecchio wasn't really concentrating on his driving. He had just come from the hospital where he had left his best friend in critical condition. The reason that Benton Fraser was in a critical condition was Ray's fault. He had shot him; he had shot his best friend. It was Ray's bullet that had caused the damage. The blood loss had been immense and the nerve and muscle damage could mean Fraser never walked again. Ray felt wracked with guilt.   
  
He hadn't been aiming for Fraser, he had been aiming for Victoria, the woman who had nearly destroyed Fraser, and yet Fraser loved her, wanted to go with her. Ray hadn't wanted that to happen but still he couldn't believe it. Victoria had wanted Fraser to suffer and yet he still loved her, wanted to go with her. Ray had seen she had a gun, he had been scared for his best friend so he had raised his own gun and had pulled the trigger.   
  
Except the bullet hadn't gone into the target it had gone into Fraser. Ray had froze, barely believing what he saw as Fraser fell onto the concrete of the platform. Fraser just lay there as Ray ran to comfort him. Still Fraser believed he should be on the train. Only Ray had stopped him. Fraser had recited a poem but in his eyes Ray could see there was a lack of interest in the world.   
  
Ray's own eyes were starting to well with tears. He wiped them away, determined not to let them fall. This was his fault and crying wasn't going to help, he told himself, but the tears kept welling up in his eyes. His vision became blurred. He struggled to maintain control but he wasn't seeing what he should. He had seen a gun but he didn't see the truck that was headed straight toward him before it was too late.   
  
*********************************************************************   
  
Ray opened his eyes. He was okay. He hadn't got a scratch on him. He breathed a sigh of relief. He was okay. He looked around but he wasn't actually in the Riv anymore. He was in a hospital corridor. He must have passed out or something, he reasoned, and they had taken him here to get help. He was standing up but he figured he had hit his head and it had confused him.   
  
"Excuse me," he said to a passing nurse but she ignored him. "Hey!" he shouted more loudly as she passed him by and walked further on.   
  
Ray tried again to another nurse. "Excuse me, can you tell you me what's going on?" but again he was ignored.   
  
Now he was getting frustrated. "Hey, anybody?! Can someone tell what's goin' on. Anybody? What kind of hospital is this?"   
  
Even though he was practically shouting he was ignored by everyone: the doctors, nurses, patients. An uneasy feeling began to grow in his stomach. He decided to try something else. He walked up to the nearest nurse who was writing something on a clipboard.   
  
"Excuse me," he said, waving a hand in front of her to get her attention. She ignored him. "Hello!" Still he was ignored.   
  
Ray sighed and tried again. This time he tapped the nurse on the shoulder but instead of making contact, his hand passed through her shoulder. Ray felt dizzy and disconcerted. Surely that hadn't just happened? He tried again, harder this time but again he passed through her, his fingertips like a cold wind. The nurse shivered.   
  
Ray went pale - at least that was what he thought he was doing He didn't know. He stumbled backward. His mouth felt dry, even if that was also impossible. The physical feelings were still there. "No," he whispered. "There is no way...." He trailed off.   
  
"I'm not...I'm not..."   
  
"Dead?"   
  
Ray whirled around to see where the voice had come from and found himself staring at a Mountie. A Mountie clad in red serge.   
  
"Yeah," he hesitantly agreed. There was something familiar about this Mountie even if he didn't know what it was as yet.   
  
"It's understandable I suppose," the Mountie said. "Very tricky thing death."   
  
"Who are you?" Ray was in a state of shock. He was dead...wasn't he? He didn't know, he was afraid to know and now there was a Mountie talking to him, a Mountie who could see him when no-one else seemed to be able to.   
  
"Sergeant Robert Fraser," came the reply.   
  
Ray eye's widened more. What did this all mean? Robert Fraser? Could it be? "Fraser?" he asked to make sure.   
  
The Mountie nodded.   
  
"As in Benny's Dad?" Ray looked around as if to see his friend. He had always expected Fraser to be there, behind him as he usually was. But Benny wasn't there, Ray had shot him. He winced slightly but turned back to hear the fellow apparition's answer.   
  
"Yes I'm Benton's father."   
  
"And you're dead?"   
  
"Oh yes, very dead. Over fourteen months now," he smiled slightly.   
  
Ray didn't know what to do. He was shocked and confused and puzzled all in one. He felt like he had just been dumped in an unfamiliar place without a map. He had no idea what he should be doing. He put his hands on his head and drifted slightly. "I'm talking to a dead Mountie...in a hospital...I mean what now?"   
  
"I can understand your confusion, Yank but there's no time for puzzling over life's greatest mystery."   
  
Ray stopped. "Look, I'm dead and I'm talking to a dead Mountie whose son I just shot. Don't you think I might need a little time? And is my Pop gonna be showing up anytime soon?"   
  
Robert Fraser shrugged. "Maybe, but there's something you have to do and time is of the essence."   
  
Ray was praying his father wouldn't appear. He didn't know if he was in a dream or nightmare. Certainly he wished that event on the platform had been a nightmare. "Look what the hell can I do now?!"   
  
Robert Fraser was unfazed by the American's attitude. "You can do a lot. You can save Benton."   
  
"Save him?" Ray felt a fraud. "I shot him! It's because of me he's dying or did you miss that bit? How can I save him?"   
  
"You can save him from himself."   
  
"What the hell does that mean?"   
  
"He made a mistake, a miscalculation. That's why he's here."   
  
"Aren't you listening I was the one who shot him," Ray was so full of guilt over that. His grief was what had led to this happening. What was he supposed to do now? Why he couldn't he just be sent to hell and that be that?   
  
"No," Robert Fraser's voice was firm. "Shooting him was part of this. He was going with a criminal, that was a mistake. He was throwing away his entire life, his duty, his being for a woman who would have seen him dead in a matter of weeks."   
  
"You don't know that," Ray countered even though he had his suspicions that might have happened. It didn't decrease his feeling of guilt.   
  
"I do," Robert Fraser replied. "He didn't see her, he never saw her, never knew her. He thought he did but he didn't. The past, the present, the future, it's all mixed up when you're dead. She would have killed him, destroyed him and he would have let her. Why do you think you saw a gun?"   
  
"She had a gun!" Ray defended himself. He was sure he had seen that, he was sure. But what if that had been another apparition? Like the one standing before him now?   
  
"You saw it. Doesn't matter if you did or you didn't son, you shot him."   
  
Ray hung his head. "I know."   
  
"Now you have to save him. Shooting him was half the battle. You have to make sure he stays where he's supposed to."   
  
"How?" Ray knew he would. He'd give his own life to save Fraser. It looked like he already had.   
  
"You have to keep him here, keep him alive, make him see his mistake."   
  
"And if I can't?"   
  
"He's lost."   
  
There was no forever, no other words - just that Ray would lose him. Those three words were enough for Ray. He didn't care what happened to him but Fraser couldn't be lost.   
  
"What do I do?" Ray asked slowly trusting this ghost. He had nothing else to trust in.   
  
"Find him and persuade him to live again."   
  
Ray was thinking of something else to ask when he turned away for a moment at the sound of a clatter down the corridor. When he turned back Robert Fraser was gone. This was seriously weird. Ray knew only one thing: he had to save Benny somehow. Quite how he wasn't sure.   
  
First things first - Ray had to find Fraser. How was he supposed to do that? It was no good trying to ask anyone since he wasn't part of the same universe anymore. All he could do was create a localised cold snap and that was no good. But he was a detective, he should be able to find a way. Ray thought about what he could have access to. The list of patients! That would work. Now he had to find the nurse's station.   
  
Ray wandered down the corridors, making sure he didn't touch, not that he could really touch, any of the personnel who were passing him by. He focussed on his goal. He had no idea if he was even on the right floor. Finally he reached the nurses' station. It was strewn with papers of every kind. Ray tried to make out what it all said but most was in technical jargon.   
  
He looked around in vain for the lists. He was feeling a little dejected when he heard a doctor discussing a patient with a nurse.   
  
"You know the Mountie?" he asked.   
  
The nurse nodded.   
  
"Still not woken up. He's lucky his government pays for his healthcare. It would cost him a fortune."   
  
Ray had perked up at the word Mountie. Sure it was just standard hospital gossip but maybe... "What room is he in?" Ray asked, still not used to not been seen or heard.   
  
"It's such a shame," the nurse was talking now.   
  
"Yeah," the doctor replied. "I'm on my way there now. I'm betting there's no change."   
  
"Now?" Ray had a chance; he just had to follow the doctor.   
  
"Well some shifts are like that," the nurse said.   
  
The doctor and the nurse were now engaged in small talk and five minutes later were discussing the affair of one of the senior doctors with an intern.   
  
"Blackmail," the nurse said.   
  
"Really?"   
  
"She tried to shoot him," she carried on.   
  
"Whoa, hell of a way to get in with the staff. Was she arrested?"   
  
"Yeah and so was he. Really sad though."   
  
Ray was fed up of this. He wasn't a gossip and he had no interest in any life outside that of Fraser's at the present time.   
  
"Come on! You're a doctor! Do you never see any patients?" he shouted and tried to grab the doctor to get him moving.   
  
"Hey did you feel that? Wow, it got cold just now."   
  
"Yeah," the nurse agreed.   
  
"I better get going," the doctor said.   
  
"Yes, let's go and see the Mountie." Ray impatiently walked down the corridor.   
  
The doctor said bye to the nurses and set off down the corridor - Ray had been right about the direction. Unfortunately he didn't go and see Fraser straight away. To Ray's further frustration he saw a man about a gallbladder problem, saw a man whose wife was having heart surgery and talked to a senior surgeon about plastic surgery for a badly burnt woman. Ray was frustrated. He knew that was what doctors were supposed to do but there was only one person who needed his help and that was Fraser.   
  
At last the doctor moved on and got in the elevator. The doors closed behind him. Ray panicked - what was he going to do now? He took a deep breath, if that was what it was, and made the split second decision to pass through the doors. The experience was awful; he had felt trapped and not quite there. He felt cold and hot at the same time. But he had got into the elevator and they headed two floors up.   
  
The doctor exited and Ray followed while the doors were still open. Now it seemed they were at the right floor. The doctor went into a private room. Ray hung back slightly. He was dead and had no idea what to do next. He didn't even know what lay behind that door. He knew Fraser was in a bad shape but he hadn't seen him in how long? He didn't know what time was anymore.   
  
The doctor left the room and Ray swallowed. He had to go in there. He wasn't sure what he would see or what he would do. Kiss the sleeping prince? Ray saw grim humour in that. Yes, he would kiss the prince but nothing would happen. Ray had never taken the chance while he was alive and now he felt he had no kiss to give the body of his friend.   
  
Ray gingerly stepped inside. What he saw shocked him. The day was so full of shocks he didn't know what to believe anymore, what was real and what wasn't. He saw his best friend lying in a coma with the monitors bleeping to remind Ray that Fraser was still alive at that moment. But standing at the end of the bed looking down over the still form was Fraser himself dressed in the same clothes he had been when Ray shot him but there was no bullet hole in them.   
  
Fraser was quiet, all his concentration was fixed on the body in front of him, his body. Ray knew that Fraser was dying - there was no other reason why the soul was observing the body. Ray could talk to him. He had to persuade Fraser to get back into his body and wake up. He had to talk to him. But would it be any easier in this form? He doubted it.   
  
"Benny?" Ray's voice was soft like a spring breeze.   
  
Fraser looked toward him briefly and then looked back to the bed. It appeared he thought Ray was there to visit his body.   
  
"It's me, Ray," Ray continued, walking right up to the apparition of his best friend. "Fraser?"   
  
Fraser turned toward him and caught Ray's eyes. Questions appeared behind those eyes as he realised Ray's attention was focussed on him and not just his shell. He had shock in his eyes but Ray couldn't see anything beyond that.   
  
"Ray?" Fraser reached out to his friend but then pulled back. "How are you here, how can see me?"   
  
Ray could barely look at Fraser. "I'm not sure, Fraser but I think....I think I'm dead."   
  
Ray was saying as much to himself as to Fraser he still couldn't believe it. This was not what he pictured happening when he died. Then again he had never really pictured himself dying until he was at least old and grey, well old and bald at any rate. Yet everything pointed to that conclusion.   
  
"Dead?" Fraser's voice was quiet. Everyone I've loved......he pushed that thought away.   
  
Ray nodded and tried to explain: "There was a truck, Fraser, it hit the Riv head-on."   
  
"Are you alright, Ray?" Fraser asked as a reflex response.   
  
"I'm dead, Fraser!" Ray threw his hands up. "I'm dead and I don't know a thing about the after-life." He was dead - those words were only now sinking in.   
  
"I'm sorry, Ray," Fraser said and yet the words seemed somehow hollow as if the emotion had been driven from them.   
  
"Yeah well it isn't your fault. It was mine." Ray took the words sincerely as they were drowned by his own guilt. "This whole mess is my fault."   
  
Fraser was silent, there was nothing he could say. He simply looked back at the figure on the bed, the reflection of his life.   
  
Ray sighed as if to order his own thoughts. He would talk to Fraser even if he wasn't listening. Ray just need to get the emotion out in the open. "I don't know what the hell is going on. I get talked to by a dead guy, I end up here and I don't even know if there's a heaven or if I'm just gonna wander around this hospital for the rest of my life..." Ray realised what he had said and paused before correcting himself "....death." He carried on. He crossed that hurdle into acceptance. "But I know one thing: I'm here to make sure you don't die."   
  
"Oh," came the reply. No emotion yet a world of pain was just out of reach.   
  
"You have to go back, Benny. You can - you're not dead yet, I mean you can see that." Ray indicated the immobile from still clinging onto life.   
  
"I don't know if I should," Fraser's voice was low, like a whisper.   
  
Ray knew he was getting nowhere. He was ignorant about many things about this state but here was one thing he did know about. "Look, Fraser this thing is beyond weird but we need to talk."   
  
Fraser nodded and slowly they walked out of the room. They found themselves in a quiet hospital corridor. It was all silent except for the two of them. There were two chairs by the wall. Gingerly Ray sat down and surprised himself by managing it without slipping through. He didn't know if the chairs were real or not. He had lost all sense of that a long time ago. Fraser just sat on them not contemplating their existence. For Fraser this was very uncharacteristic.   
  
Ray sighed as he relaxed a little more into this setting.   
  
"I can't believe you're dead, Ray," Fraser said in that same quiet voice. He was looking at the floor as if he bore some of the guilt.   
  
"Yeah, well me neither," Ray replied. It was slowly sinking into him that this was it. Death wasn't like what he had thought. He'd been brought up to believe it involved choirs of angels, clouds, and pearly gates. It didn't seem that was the case.   
  
"Did it hurt?" Fraser caught his eye, albeit briefly.   
  
Ray thought he had no memory of it. "No," he said. "Why do you wanna know?"   
  
"There is one thing I've always been afraid of, Ray, and that's dying."   
  
This surprised Ray. Was that the reason why Fraser was still here? "You? You jump off buildings, you get shot and stabbed and you have a fear of death?"   
  
"I've always felt a man should have a healthy fear of death. I've risked my life, Ray but I suppose I never thought I would die. The only time I thought I would was when....." Fraser trailed off but his words were clear.   
  
"When you met Victoria that first time?" Ray had a vague memory of Fraser telling him that story when he was asleep. Yet Ray remembered it.   
  
"Yes," Fraser paused. "I felt closer to death than I ever have, Ray. I could feel it. But she saved me."   
  
Ray knew Fraser was clinging onto that but he was wrong. "No, Fraser she didn't. You saved each other."   
  
Fraser shook his head. "No, Ray she saved me," That was how he saw it - she had saved him. Without her he would have perished in the snow. "She gave me life and I turned her in."   
  
Ray could see where this was going. "You don't owe her, Fraser. If it wasn't for her, you wouldn't have been out there in the first place." She was the one who had nearly lured him to his doom.   
  
"It was my duty, Ray. I didn't have a choice."   
  
"You did your duty, Benny."   
  
"I shouldn't have turned her in. I love her."   
  
There was the crux of the problem. Fraser felt the only way he would be saved was by her. Could Ray ever match that?   
  
"Do you?" Ray asked.   
  
"Yes." Fraser didn't hesitate and yet he seemed to lack conviction.   
  
Gently Ray brought them back to the matter at hand. "Fraser, you need to go back."   
  
"Ray, I can't."   
  
"Why?"   
  
Fraser was silent before he changed the subject. "You shot me."   
  
"It was an accident," Ray kept his voice steady. If this was what it took to get Fraser back where he belonged, that was what he would do no matter how much it hurt.   
  
"She wasn't armed." Still the defence but it seemed as if Fraser didn't know what he was defending anymore.   
  
"I saw she had a gun Fraser! I would have..." No, he couldn't tell Fraser that. Not now, not ever. Some things were meant to be kept secret for eternity.   
  
"Would have what?"   
  
Ray opened his mouth but no admission came out. "Never mind."   
  
They talked like that for some time avoiding words. Fraser just was quiet or else defended Victoria. He still couldn't tell Ray the truth that he kept locked up inside him, in his heart and as part of the soul that was talking. Around and around they went. Ray felt they were getting nowhere and by now Fraser had clammed up completely. He tried once more. He felt time was running out even though, now he was dead, he had all the time in the world.   
  
"Please, Benny, go back."   
  
Fraser was silent before uttering his reply once again. The same reply as before. "I can't."   
  
Ray put his head in his hands. He felt like he was drowning on dry land. "Fraser, please I'm dead, tell me what's going on. We need to talk."   
  
"We have been."   
  
"No we haven't," Ray replied. "We haven't really talked about what the hell is going on with you why you won't go back."   
  
"It's complicated, Ray."   
  
"Life is complicated."   
  
"And death it would seem."   
  
Ray couldn't argue with that. "Yeah." He had run out of words now. "Please...tell me," he repeated as tears began to form even though in reality he was as barren as a desert.   
  
"It's hard, Ray."   
  
"It was hard before."   
  
"I made mistakes, Ray and I can't go back and change them...what do I have left?" Fraser felt he had burned his bridges on that platform. He was leaving his life behind as he couldn't face it. He still couldn't.   
  
"Life, Benny!"   
  
"I know but...what does that life hold for me now?"   
  
"You want an answer from me?" An answer from a dead man. "You're a Mountie, Fraser it's your life. You have friends and neighbours and my family. I need you to take care of them."   
  
"How can I have that when I've betrayed them all? I betrayed Victoria and I still...I still need her Ray." Need? Need for what love? Absolution? Could he even see the difference?   
  
"Why?"   
  
"I need.....her....." The `her' had been an afterthought really. It was too close to the truth.   
  
"She isn't here, Fraser."   
  
"No, but she isn't there either. I have nothing left, Ray."   
  
"Fraser! You do." How could Ray make him see that? Ray saw so much for Fraser to have.   
  
But Fraser refused to see it. "No."   
  
"Don't die on me I won't let you," but Ray knew in his heart it was Fraser's choice. "What else can I say, Fraser?"   
  
"I can't tell you..." a thousand words, a thousand confessions on the tip of his tongue and a metal cage stopping them escaping.   
  
"Then there's nothing left to say." They had been talking in circles avoiding the problem at the centre. There was more comfort in their limbo than in life.   
  
Ray was tired of this. He got up and walked off. They needed time to think. Ray just hoped Fraser would still be there when he came back. It was ridiculous, Ray thought. He had tried but they couldn't even admit the truth. Ray couldn't even say how he really felt about Fraser. He was dead, what was there to lose? They both needed some space. Ray would try again; he wasn't going to let Fraser die.   
  
Fraser got up and went back into this room contemplating himself and what he had left. He was stuck in a limbo of his own, not living, not dead.   
  
Ray was walking down the corridor. It was so quiet he could hear his own thoughts and would be bale to hear a pin drop. As he walked he became aware of another presence. This time Ray knew the presence, that of his father.   
  
"I don't blame you for giving up. He's not worth your time," that voice spoke, never the voice of reason.   
  
"I'm not giving up," Ray said. "Why are you here, Pop? Getting lonely down there?"   
  
"Hey, I'm just here to give you some advice."   
  
Ray stopped and confronted his father.   
  
"Your advice I don't need, Pop!" He felt anger why did his father have to be here. Ray would never been rid of him, even in death.   
  
"Listen to me, I'm your father," the word father was emphasised; the ties of family were strong. "He isn't worth this. You think he'll ever love you? Ever repay you? He's out to sponge off you."   
  
"No he's not! I owe him!"   
  
"For what? You mortgage the house for him, risk putting your family on the streets and he runs off with a murderer. How could you do that?"   
  
Ray felt guilty for a moment he had nearly made his family homeless but he had never thought Fraser would run off. "I'd do the same again, Pop I owe him."   
  
Ray's father shook his head. "Risking it for him. He's the one who owes you. You should have cut him loose."   
  
Ray stood up to that voice as he had all through this mess. "Look Pop ever since he came into my life I felt like I'm worth something. Now you can go on all you like but I love him and I'm gonna help him and nothing you are gonna say is ever going to change that. Him being in my life, being alive, means I'm not like you."   
  
"Fine." Ray's father walked off.   
  
As he faded away Ray called after him. "See you in hell, Pop."   
  
Ray felt tired, very tired. He was dead but he felt drained as if something was leeching energy out of him. He decided to make his way back to Fraser. He had been able to overcome his father, overcome his doubts; surely he could overcome Fraser's too. Feeling more confident he walked back.   
  
Fraser was staring at himself with an odd feeling of detachment. It was very strange to see himself lying there. He had never really noticed how he looked. Right at that moment he looked like a dying man. It was strange. He stared at himself, paralysed in that bed and knew this what he deserved. It was bittersweet but it was the truth. As he stared he thought he heard a familiar voice. It was as if it was carried by the wind.   
  
"Come with me, Ben!"   
  
Fraser was sure he heard those words and the voice that spoke them.   
  
"Come with me!" they repeated.   
  
"Victoria?" He wandered out into the corridor, following the voice and saw a flash of something.   
  
"Victoria?" Fraser was sure it was her. He had seen her out of the corner of his eye. She was here, now.   
  
"Victoria?" he called louder. He could see her. She had come back. She was here for him. His eyes were fixed upon her as if he saw a beautiful sculpture and was studying every line.   
  
Ray had nearly made it back to the room when he saw his best friend come out. He was looking at something. Ray turned his head to see what it was that had caught his friend's attention and then he saw her, an apparition still as cold and beautiful as the real thing. She was dressed in black, all black but Ray knew it wasn't Victoria. It couldn't be her. What it was Ray didn't know but it didn't bode well. Fraser couldn't go with this...thing. Ray had to stop him, had to bring him back into the present, now it was even more urgent. Ray was going to make Fraser see the plain truth if it killed him. He was already dead he had nothing left to lose but there was one thing he couldn't lose.   
  
Fraser saw her, she was as beautiful as he remembered. She was moving away from him, as she had been on the train. "Come with me!" her siren call lured him in.   
  
Ray was about to grab Fraser and tell him to snap out of it when Fraser began to run down the corridor. Ray noticed the floor was white, very white, almost like snow. He saw Fraser's footprints as he ran through the snow, he had made an impression. It wasn't real yet here it was. Ray traced his footprints not noticing he wasn't leaving any behind. He was walking on solid ground. He also didn't notice the crash crew head into Fraser's room at the flat line displayed on the monitor.   
  
"Fraser!" he called. He couldn't lose him, not now. Fraser he was running after her, and he was running after Fraser as he had before at the train station. History was repeating itself. Was Ray about to lose Fraser this time for forever?   
  
Back in the room they were in full resuscitation routine. "We're losing him!" the doctor called.   
  
Fraser stopped as he now tried to approach `Victoria' more slowly.   
  
"Come with me, Ben!" she called in that same alluring voice as she had before, that same voice she had used in the blizzard.   
  
Fraser didn't notice the snow was getting deeper but Ray did.   
  
"Fraser!" he shouted. "She isn't Victoria."   
  
This was at least enough to have Fraser stop and turn to face Ray. It seemed there was hope. Still the apparition called but now Fraser was focussed on his friend.   
  
"It's her, Ray." He had a smile on his face...like the first time Ray had interrupted them.   
  
"No it isn't. You can't go to her."   
  
Fraser took a glance at her. "I have to, Ray."   
  
He turned to go forward again. A smile played upon death's lips. She reached out her arm.   
  
"I know what's it's like to love someone so much you'd do anything for them, even die," Ray explained.   
  
That stopped Fraser. Those words hit him hard. He loved, he loved too much and it was who he loved he was really having to face.   
  
"How?"   
  
"It's how I feel about you!" Ray admitted, finally. There was nothing left to say but this now. "Please Benny see her, see her for what she is."   
  
"I was going with her, you know."   
  
Ray swallowed and nodded. "I know. I would've let you, I should've let you."   
  
Fraser looked shocked. "Why?"   
  
"It would have made you happy."   
  
"You shot me." Ray had stopped him.   
  
"I couldn't let her hurt you. I would've killed her for you." Ray would've. "Hurt him and I'll kill you": that had been his promise to her.   
  
"I should be with her."   
  
"Why?" Ray knew Fraser didn't belong with her but why did he think he did?   
  
"I deserve it Ray. I have a darkness inside me I don't belong here anymore."   
  
How could Fraser think that? "We all have a darkness Fraser but........." Ray struggled to find the words. Everyone had a dark side. He had one, he knew it was the same side that would've killed Victoria. Then Ray remembered what he had said about owing Fraser. "You are the most incredible person I've ever met. You might be the most annoying man in the world but that's just you. You're good and kind and honest and you helped me be a good person."   
  
Fraser looked as if Ray's confession came like a river at full swell, rushing down all at once.   
  
"You said once there would be two mistakes in your life; losing her would be one and losing my friendship would be the other - well you lost her, Fraser, you never really had her so it's just me. I'll show you what you deserve."   
  
Fraser didn't have time to think or argue as Ray came up to him. Ray knew actions were needed. He had to find a way to convey all he was feeling. He took hold of Fraser and pressed his lips against his best friend's. Fraser seemed surprised for a moment before relaxing into the kiss. Ray didn't push it but pulled away.   
  
"You do love me," Fraser said. He had never believed it until now. He hadn't hoped until now.   
  
"Yes. You can go with her Benny and I'll still love you. The question is do you love me? I don't wanna let you go, I can't let you go, I can't let you die. Look at me.   
  
Fraser looked and he saw. He saw a shadow at one end where the apparition of Victoria was and light brighter than the sun where Ray was. It was a choice between darkness and light and life and death. There was a choice he could make now, a choice he was unafraid of.   
  
"I choose you, Ray," Fraser whispered as they kissed once again.   
  
As they kissed the shadow retreated into the darkness from whence it had come. It had lost, would always lose when it came to these two. Yet there was victory in its defeat. The snow melted and turned to the first grass of spring. The corridor was now a place for life, not death.   
  
In Fraser's room the line was again showing his heart rate. "He's coming back," the doctor said in amazement. "Pulse is strong and steady, he's breathing on his own."   
  
The body of Benton Fraser came back to life as his soul did.   
  
Once the kiss was broken Fraser and Ray found themselves outside of the room where Fraser's body was still in limbo, though it wouldn't be for much longer.   
  
"You've got to go back, Benny," Ray said as he held onto his best friend, his lover.   
  
"I know," Fraser knew it though he wasn't happy to lose this connection he had with Ray. Life was a place he knew he had to be but only because Ray loved him. Yet that life no longer had Ray in it.   
  
"I love you," Ray whispered as he embraced Fraser.   
  
"I love you too," Fraser's voice was trembling. "I'd die for you, Ray. I was prepared to die for her but I don't think I could. If you want me to come with you I will."   
  
That Fraser was willing to make such a sacrifice touched Ray deeply but that wasn't what Ray wanted. It wasn't what he had come here for. "No, Benny. I want you to live. I'll be waiting for you."   
  
Fraser caressed his cheek for what they felt would be the last time for a very long time. But they would be together again even if it was in the next life. "I know."   
  
They shared one last, perfect kiss before Fraser went back into his room. Ray felt a sudden pain as Fraser went back into life and the real world. He steadied himself and took a glance at the man, body and soul now reunited, who he would love for the rest eternity. He looked truly at peace now. Now he could heal. Ray sighed before hearing a voice he had only recently got to know.   
  
"Well done, son I knew you could do it." The form of Robert Fraser was next to him once again.   
  
"Do what?" So much had happened.   
  
"Save Benton from himself," the ghost said.   
  
"That's what I did?" Ray knew they had won a battle of sorts but to him it was much more important that they had admitted to each other.   
  
"Yes." Robert Fraser knew there had been many facets.   
  
"So what now? I float up to heaven?" Ray's tone was tense. Fraser might be alive but they weren't together anymore.   
  
Robert Fraser shook his head. "Oh no and leave Benton his own? After what you said to each other? No." There was a hint of a smile on his face. "Come with me."   
  
Ray followed the red serge - clad Mountie down the corridor to another room in intensive care. What he saw left him lost for words. There on the bed was him. He was in a mess: bandages everywhere, tubes and beeping monitors but he was there...alive.   
  
"It's time for you to go back," the Mountie told him.   
  
"I can do that?" Ray was surprised. He could have a life. He could be with Fraser again.   
  
"Oh yes." Robert Fraser seemed to be amused by Ray's puzzlement.   
  
Ray glanced at his body. It was him. "This is weird."   
  
"It is strange, Yank, but you see you had to save Benton to save yourself."   
  
Now it began to make sense. He had stop feeling so guilty. He knew that he couldn't die without making sure Fraser was alright. He had and this was his reward. Life was his reward.   
  
"So I just......?" Ray gestured at his body.   
  
"Yes."   
  
"And will I wake up?" Ray couldn't quite believe this.   
  
"I'm not a doctor, son. I can't tell you if you go back you'll stay there. It's a risk but life's full of risks." There was an emphasis on the word life which gave Ray confidence.   
  
It was worth it. It was worth it to know Fraser was on the side waiting for him. He couldn't let Benny down.   
  
"Okay," Ray paused. "Thanks."   
  
He held out his hand and Robert Fraser took it. They shook hands thanking each other in their own way.   
  
"No problem," Robert Fraser replied. He'd known this man was good enough.   
  
"I won't see you again, will I?" Ray asked as the handshake ended.   
  
"Who knows? I'll be damned if I can figure this out."   
  
"Yeah." It had all been so surreal for however long it had been.   
  
Ray slowly walked into his room as he did so he heard his name.   
  
"Ray?"   
  
Ray turned to look at Robert Fraser one last time. "Hmm?"   
  
"Thank you." For everything Robert Fraser thought from that first case Ray had helped solve his murder all the way to Ray saving his son.   
  
Ray nodded and made his way back into the real world. He was aware of floating and slowly coming back to earth as if he had jumped out of a plane and pulled a parachute. Everything went dark but there was peace in this place. Ray felt himself lose consciousness.   
  
Some time later he opened his eyes, they were still blurry as they had been right before the accident but there was no sorrow in them this time. Ray could make out the beige walls and beige linoleum of the room and the white sheets. What he did not expect to see was Fraser in a wheelchair next to him, holding his hand.   
  
"Benny?" Ray tried to get the word out but it was a bit of a croak. His head hurt, in fact his whole body hurt but he felt lighter in his heart, happier. Even if Fraser didn't remember what had had happened, even if Fraser never returned his love Ray would have the memory of those events. He would know himself what had transpired between in them in those hospital corridors.   
  
"Ray." Fraser voice was sincere as he reached up to get some ice chips and gently placed a couple into his mouth.   
  
Ray relaxed as the moisture returned to his mouth. "Benny," he said finally, smiling at his best friend, the man for who he nearly literally travelled to hell for. But he was back now, they both were.   
  
"I'm here, Ray." Fraser smiled back, an actual smile.   
  
"How long have I been?" Ray looked down at the bed he was lying on   
  
"About a month, Ray."   
  
"A month?!"   
  
"Yes."   
  
"Geez it seemed...."   
  
"Such a short time?" Fraser finished.   
  
"Yeah."   
  
"The time we spent together wasn't long, Ray and I remember it very well as I'm sure you do." Fraser knew Ray did. "Shortly after I regained consciousness, your mother visited. She told me you were alive..." Fraser remembered how full of emotion he had been at finding out that news. "I knew then that I had to get well enough and strong enough to visit you. I've been having physical therapy for some time now. As soon as I was able to visit you I came here. I'm afraid I've driven my physical therapist to distraction I spend so much time here."   
  
"At least they know where to find you," Ray joked noticing Fraser had put his hand in his again.   
  
Fraser noticed Ray's look and blushed slightly. He made a move to remove his hand but Ray promptly took a hold of it. He wasn't going to let go.   
  
"You really remember, Benny?" Ray couldn't believe it himself even though his memory was as clear as day.   
  
"Yes, Ray. I couldn't forget. It was my reason for recovering." Fraser gently lifted up their joined hands and kissed them before putting them back on the bed. "I love you."   
  
Tears were in Ray's eyes again. It was one thing to say these things when you were dying but have them said in life was another thing entirely,   
  
"You mean that?"   
  
"Of course I do, Ray. I just didn't realise until I was so close to death I could touch it. I realised then where my life was, it was with you."   
  
Gently Fraser kissed Ray on the mouth and they felt it this time so much more than the fleeting experience they had before. This time they felt every movement, every part of the contact. When they parted they smiled at each other. They were truly alive.   
  
Over the next few weeks both improved their physical condition and their emotional one too. Ray got better and also started physical therapy. Fraser too was able to walk again. What kept them going was often each other. They grew together finally able to explore their feelings in an open manner. A few weeks later they were sitting by the window in Fraser's room simply looking out and talking   
  
"You saved my life, Ray."   
  
"I nearly ended it," Ray said trying to have the last piece of guilt silenced   
  
"No, Ray," Fraser paused. "Actually you did more than that you saved my soul."   
  
"Well you saved mine, Benny. Soon as you met me." That was why Ray owed him.   
  
"So we're Even Steven?"   
  
"Even Steven? No-one says that anymore, Fraser."   
  
"Really? Why?"   
  
"It's...." Ray was going to say juvenile but thought better of it. "Never mind, Benny, Even Steven it is."   
  
Fraser smiled at him and they held hands, looking forward to the future and the life they would have, together.   
  


  
 

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End Passing Back by Aingeal 

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